“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche
Often progression is succeeded by rein station of the situation before. There’s a significant difference between being suicidal in reality and the almost romanticised depiction in media (the virgin suicides etc…).
The main difference centres around the matter of me striving to keep my thoughts personal in real life situations. Yes I wish there was an end all solution, does that stop me from reacting to human emotions? No rarely ever. Fuck hard to believe but yes I do know how to laugh!
Funnily enough it’s very genuine too. What’s not is the pretence of deceiving those around me that everything is ok. My desire for death isn’t stemmed from failure to achieve academically or monetarily. It’s my conviction that I will never attain happiness in this lifetime. That’s a really weird realisation to go to sleep on and sometimes it even manages to enter my subconscious.
Anxiety is a hinderance and that saving knight. Anxiety and depression come as a pair. My depression wants to end it all and my anxiety is too focused on minute details and the logistics of my actions going wrong, it screams no.
I’m also oddly grateful for support around me. “Oddly” because their words are the stark opposite of my thoughts.
Yet their encouragement evokes guilt, it offers me the rationale to reconsider, just rethink.