No.6

"Medicine is the restoration of discordant elements; 
sickness is the discord of the elements 
infused into the living body."

-Leonardo da Vinci

Whilst social pressures, work obligations and financial issues undoubtedly affect mental health, I’ve also discovered that in my case, deterioration of physical health places severe strains on the mind.

Physically I’ve been through my fair share of ailments in the past, I’ve been diagnosed with near certain kidney failure amongst others in, yet somehow a small structural defect has managed to surpass all the other physical ailments collectively. Fucked me up the most.

Sometimes I feel guilty to vocalise my discomfort or pain due to fear of being labelled as the petty, superficial little attention seeker. Other times I’m just to exhausted to relay out my thoughts to those who are helpless or those to which it will most certainly fall on deaf ears.

I’m exercising as much patience as I can muster but at this point in time I feel like every step of progression is followed by 2 steps of regression.

I hate my body in a weird way, it’s a funny feeling having a professional tell you confidently that you’ll be pain free, when you feel no different to what you were before intervention, but what can I do haha, after all the doctor knows best right??

I can’t bear seeing my body in the mirror, sickening in a way in which I cannot verbalise. I don’t suffer from common body confidence issues, more so that I see this structural defect in the mirror and knowing it’s the root cause of pain. Fucked up right? as though your own body formation’s self inflicting pain.

When you’ve run out of options, you often find yourself contemplating death (1 – 100 real fucking fast haha), even looking forward to it.

“It’s selfish”, “you make things out worse than they are”. It’s hard to live constantly being patient, to ignore the pain and try and convince yourself that things will improve.

They may, the only way I see this happening is if the physical health changes, if not there will constantly be that pressure on mental health however hard you try to dismiss it.

Quite frankly a shit quality of life.

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