Let’s begin with that all important clichéd quote:
"I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps but other people emphasize my loneliness." Anais Nin
Something’s so familiar about this quote, moving around does that to you.
Life in the west has thought me the that community is rare, familial sentiment is scarce and a dream of fitting in as a newcomer is fucking impossible.
As an individual who’d spent most of their childhood moving from country to country, it really dawned upon me that settling down in the west with the dream of a community and engaging with others that share a familial sentiment is honestly just far fetched utopia bullshit.
People know each other as families and childhood friends (usually formed through the basis of culture, well the meaningful ones that ever last that is haha). These are the only relations that bare any significance and survive through abhorrence. Ones that I’ve failed to make or sustain.
“Some people fill the gaps“, two types of these exist, the ones bound by blood and the ones that remain until something better comes along. The latter are the ones that prevail in the life of most, as they do in mine.
I don’t know if it’s something about my personality something that keeps people interested for a day or two (a week at max) and all interest wanes past that. Laughter just morphs into awkward giggles out of politeness which eventually waters down to smiles of just acknowledgement. People get tired of me. This happens frequently, perhaps it’s my pessimism, my lack of projecting anything other than dry humour and my inability to react like others in social situations.
Social situations drive my anxiety insane to date. It takes time for me to react. I use that time to think not only of the reaction, but it’s execution, how others will react to it, how others react to the initial situation etc etc etc………. Thinking drives you insane. Thinking so hard butchers the execution and renders everything I do so fucking awkward.
The ones that stick by me are the ones that learn to accept this, they know that sometimes it’s hard for me to react, they understand that I think think think think FUCKING THINK until my mind forces words out of my mouth.
And the ones that don’t stick by, the ones that have come and gone? well, those “other people emphasise my loneliness”.
My anxiety doesn’t stem from a lone event.
It stems from years of keeping shut because of a physical flaw that I had no answer to, the one flaw that made me fear mistakes in every other aspect of my life (education, social situations EVERY FUCKING THING).
See I was never naturally an introvert, I was never scared of being the centre of attention, in fact quite the opposite my younger self would have dreamt of being influential, spoken about and admired.
That fucking ideal’s long been destroyed by a physical flaw that I have allowed to dictate my physical health, mental health and overall life.
Look at me now, the introverted crybaby who’s mind forces herself into the shadows.